One of the experiences I am surprised to discover in the months following my miscarriage, is the actual anger I feel when 28 days go by, and, I see "red" again.
Why does this make me feel angry?
Because it is a reminder--as if I could forget!!--that my body isn't carrying my baby anymore.
You are not supposed to bleed when you are pregnant.
It makes me angry because I don't want to bleed. I want to still be pregnant.
And, it makes me angry because it reminds me that I can't blame myself. I can't blame my body. My body releases an egg, prepares a cushion of endometrium, and then, releases it all, so that it can try again. It is what my body is supposed to do.
My body is working.
My 28 day reunion with red is a personal reminder that my body is physically ready to carry a baby, even if I'm emotionally not.
My body isn't going to sit around and just wait for my emotions to catch up.
It isn't a slave to my feelings.
And, for that, I truly need to praise the Lord.
How deceiving it would be, if I could pretend this experience away.
So, this time, I am going to embrace the emotional challenges of seeing red without giving in to feeling blue.
Genesis 4:10 tells me that God hears the blood. He knows the hurt behind it, but he knows the value in it, too. And, what's more, He knows my heart, and He knows suffering too (Isaiah 53:3). So, even if this is weird to share with you, it's not weird to share with Him.
Matthew 9:19-21 gives me a biblical example of hope from a woman who bled for years--not just every 28 days:
"If I only touch His clothes, I'll get well"
This time, I'm going to cling to the instruction, and to the promise, of 2 Corinthians 4:18:
I will fix my eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
I am going to remember that I have a baby, alive and well, in heaven.
I am going to remember I have a Father, who loves me so much that He'd be willing to allow me hurt, willing to allow me suffering, because even through the mystery of this suffering, it is not without meaning (Romans 8:28-29), that my anger should be identified as the "fire" that is testing my faith (1 Peter 1:6-7) because pain reminds me to hope (Romans 5:3-4), and inspires me to continue in my Christian maturation (Philipians 3:12-14), and that, when my work is finished, I will be lacking in nothing (James 1:34). Lacking in nothing. And I will be able to share this blessing with others (Philippians 1:12-14).
I am going to face the red with self control, because my eyes are fixed on Jesus. Amen.
--Recently, there has been growing evidence to show that stillbirth (like SIDS) can result in post-traumatic shock disorder. A study in the Netherlands found that 25% of women displayed symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder one month after the stillbirth and 7% displayed such symptoms four months after the stillbirth.
--Mothers who experience stillbirth are at risk of developing postpartum major depression. The risk of depression is highest within the first six months after delivery. The mothers who are at greatest risk of becoming depressed are those who fail to show any signs of grief during the first two weeks after the loss.
--A study conducted by Swedish researchers (2001) concluded that fathers’ “general trust in life and the natural order was suddenly and severely tested by the death of their child, which they perceived as a terrible waste of life.” Being able to protect their partner and grieve in their own way was important to the fathers interviewed by this group of researchers. (find the source link to these stats at the blog post: Infant Loss)
Kinds of Grief
Acute grief reaction: by 2 yr after death, 25% of people in one study still
struggled with continued acute grief reaction, which can include traumatic distress, separation distress, guilt or remorse, social withdrawal, and preoccupation with images and memories of deceased; interest in world around griever regained as
preoccupation lessens; acute grief is transient; over ≈6 mo (this time frame
controversial), people begin to accept loss, positive emotions become more
frequent, and painful negative emotions begin to lessen in intensity; as people forgive themselves, their anger dissipates and their compassion increases; people often develop or renew meaning in life.
Integrated grief: “grief doesn’t just end”; grief is a lifelong process, and after
the period of acute grief, integrated grief begins to develop as a background state
of the person.
Prolonged acute grief reaction: also called complicated grief or traumatic grief;
instead of acceptance and compassion, fear predominates; the belief that the
deceased person is still alive persists, often accompanied by excess of guilt and anger and sense of moral indignation; symptoms overlap with those of major depression and posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), but prolonged acute grief
reaction seems to be a separate entity. (section source: Audio Digest Foundation)
After the words spoken by the ultrasound technician echoed through the room, my heartbreak, horror and devastation were palpable.
I knew that my husband and I would honor God through our loss of our baby by making a very necessary website for miscarriage, but, inside, just me, I was a mess.
I hated my body.
I hated that it never let on. It never clued me in that something so terribly wrong was happening.
I wouldn't eat a full meal. I couldn't bring myself to know that I ought to be praying for my food, because my prayers when I am pregnant always include, "Please bless this food for us..." This was also a way to remind myself not to carefully tend to the nutritious needs of my infant who was no longer within me.
I wondered if even the people I loved wanted me to be quiet about our miscarriage.
I talked about it anyway. A lot.
I was angry.
I was hurt.
I was terrified of thinking that I might be guilty of something that could have caused my baby harm.
And I was frustrated that I wasn't.
I foolishly thought that my faith would make my bereavement easier, that I could reconcile my emotions easier. On the contrary, I could quite literally feel a spiritual battle wage within me and rip my spirit in painful, exhausting, different directions. I needed desperately to break free.
The pain and torment were suffucating me.
I felt God's grace squeeze love into my spirit; I felt Him breathing His Holy Spirit into me, giving me life, giving my journey to glory life, constantly calming each new cry of my despair, hopelessness and agony.
I pushed Him, even as He soothed me, and wondered how long He'd take it.
Finally, after enough tantrum throwing,
I picked myself off of the floor, where I had previously been kicking and screaming like a wild child, brushed my sweaty hair off of my damp forehead, took a deep breath, and whispered,
"God, are you still with me?"
And, let me tell you what I've found:
Scripture reveals that God knows all about a person before that person is even formed.
Scripture reveals that God doesn't change His mind in the middle of His work.
Scripture reveals times in which a child dies simply to bless others.
In one scripture, the very sperm and egg of the parents were supernaturally selected to ensure the life and death of the baby.
Scripture reveals that God is intimately present and involved in gestation and fetal development.
Scripture reveals that conception, gestation, and birth are all reflective of our Lord Jesus Christ; we cannot "choose" to be made in His image, from conception, we simply already are.
Scripture reveals that God orchestrates our deaths carefully.
Scripture reveals that it is wicked for a child's life to be taken by our own hands, through any form of preventable death, but it is not wicked for God to take a child's life through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. And, scripture explains the difference.
Scripture reveals that while it is not wicked for God to take a child's life, He does not delight in it.
Scripture reveals that no pregnancy--even those conceived in unrighteousness (out of wedlock, for example), or those terminated in unrighteousness (elective abortion, for example) are orchestrated for condemnation, but that every pregnancy--even those conceived in righteousness (within a healthy Christian marriage, for example), and regardless of duration of pregnancy, is intended by God for our sanctification.
Scripture reveals that this good outcome can be expected because our purposes and calling can even be expressed in utero; life in the womb has value to God's kingdom.
Scripture reveals that the expression of purposes and calling in utero is more effective with the mother's participation--her willingness to submit to that possibility.
Scripture reveals that sometimes it is precisely because you are where you are supposed to be, that tragedy strikes, and that when it does, Jesus is watching and praying on your behalf.
Scripture reveals, even though there is a natural order (a cause and effect law) of things, that sometimes God circumvents the process with supernatural blessing, and that other times God orchestrates His divine will through the process. For example: If a woman is infertile, He may a.) supernaturally bless her womb (not removing the infertility, just circumventing the cause of it), or b.) use the cause of the infertility to allow her to glorify Him--perhaps through a miracle of the cause being cured, or perhaps by not curing it. We cannot know in advance which He will choose, but we can know it will be intended for our greatest good and for His glory.
Scripture reveals that children lost to us are not lost to Him.
Scripture reveals that whatever blessing we bestow to others through our loss and grief isn't the intent of the loss, but is a secondary fulfillment. For example, my baby didn't die so that I'd build a miscarriage website. However, God knew beforehand that because of my experience, my heart would long to reach out to others, and so He blesses my endeavors. The primary fulfillment is the change in my own heart. The secondary fulfillment is whatever I do with that.
I will reveal these things to you, in time. I promise.
First, I want you to know that if you've walked away from God, if you've angrily stormed out of the house, so to speak, I'm inviting you now: it's time to come back home.
Come home.
Luke 15:12 tells of a young man who is angry with his father. He wants to collect his inheritance, which, isn't given until a person has passed away. What he is essentially saying here is, "Dad, I wish you were dead."
So, the dad figured out the portion of property that would belong to his son, sold it, and gave the money to the young man. Could you imagine?
In verse 13 the young man gets as far as he can from his dad. He sets out for a distant country, and then spent the gift his dad gave him --the verse says he squandered it-- on every whim and desire he had.
By verse 16 he has become so empty, so desperate for happiness, for fulfillment, he realizes that he squandered so much opportunity trying to satisfy his desires, that he diminished his own opportunities for real needs. He becomes willing, eager --the verse says he longed-- to eat pig food. Can you imagine that?
He reached a point, by verse 17, it says, "he came to his senses." He thinks about his father, and wants to return to him. He sets out for the long journey home, thinking about the hired hands at his father's farm. In verse 19 he is prepared to work as a slave, just to have meager provisions and the stability of his father.
But verse 20 tells us of his father's reaction:
“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him."
After that, the dad told his servants, Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Can you imagine with me, a proud, happy dad wrapping his son in such a vivid demonstration of love? He wanted everyone to know that he loved his son...the son who wished him dead, but then returned to him.
If you have walked away from God,
if you have run away from God,
if you have cashed in all goodness that He's blessed you with and spent it everywhere else you could,
if you are exhausted,
thirsty,
hungry,
I invite you,
God invites you,
just come home.
God is waiting.
I ask you now, what you think it would feel like, to return to the Father you so angrily rejected. If you didn't have to reconcile all of the differences, if you didn't have to fix things first or work your way up to the top. If you didn't have to "perform" or "act" or "do". If you just returned to Him, and He wrapped His robe around you for all to see, what would you do?
I think of Mark 5:25-28
And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.” Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.
All she wanted was to merely touch just one of the tassles dangling from His robe.
He will do much more than that.
He will wrap it around you, covering you, veiling you, loving you in His all-sufficient grace.
If you have lost a baby, and in anger turned from God, I'm asking you right now, to come home.
For the entire next year, from today's Father's day until Father's day 2012, I'm going to set this message out as a challenge. If you feel in your heart the longing to return home, to return to the comfort and love of your Father, please, just reply to this with a comment.
Let me know that you just want to come back.
He will embrace you excitedly and lovingly.
He will cover you in His grace (which was represented as the robe in the stories from Luke and Mark).
I have three items for a give-away. All you have to do is add a quick comment to this message, that it has blessed you and you want to come home.
I will wait until June 30, 2012, and, I will draw three random numbers for the items.
So, if I pick "2", for example, the second person who commented will receive one of the give-aways. I will send you a message, or comment on your blog, if your number was selected.
Please, pass this message on to bless others, and please, continue to utilize helpful resources to continue on a healthy healing process; contact your church pastor to be referred to Christian counseling.
It is my hope that these items will bless and encourage you on your journey to hope and healing after infant loss.
1.Steven Curtis Chapman "Beauty Will Rise"
2."Believe" journal with pretty brooch magnet
3. "Down the Road of Bittersweet" available from Prenatal Partners for Life
My seven year old son likes camping, and so, for fun sometimes, we'll set the tent up in the backyard and let him sleep under the stars. With two younger brothers who are years behind him, it's a nice way to exhibit his "big boyness".
Yesterday afternoon, as my husband was setting up the tent, I was still deep in thought over our recent miscarriage, and the much needed resource that is to be our website.
[If you haven't yet read about our miscarriage project, please visit my doula blog, by clicking HERE]
To be truthful, I wish the site was up already.
I shudder, and my heart breaks, at the thought of a single family continuing to experience miscarriage without it.
As I continue to receive the blessing from mothers who entrust me with their very special, touching, heartbreaking stories, I compile resources and ideas that cover every angle of the experience I can possibly think of. A lot is stirring in my head, and my heart.
Oh, how I long to "birth" this resource that will very much be "alive"--it will transform the way infant loss is experienced: by families, friends, and medical professionals, of all walks of life, all faiths, all demographics.
It is going to be amazing.
But, it's still gestating.
Still growing.
Developing.
Just like a baby, the very first functioning organ was its heart.
My heart. My husband's heart. Our baby's heart.
Our passion is the pulse that this project is moving to.
It's a rhythm.
And, it's not stopping.
The muscles of our prayers are stretching out, protecting the vital organs:
The mind: the volunteers who are helping lend their expertise.
The mouth: well, that's my big fat mouth, dontcha know? It's yours, too. Getting the word out about the project to anyone and everyone who might be blessed by it.
The intestines: cutting out misinformation we receive. Separating the meat from the bones, and discarding the waste, once and for all.
The bones stretch tall and strong. This is our faith.
The entire project is encased in God's love. We ask Him continually to cover every angle, to protect every aspect, as seamless as skin.
Everything pulls and wraps together around the bones, which give this thing its shape.
It is by our faith that we can see the shape of this thing...this life...this resource.
So, as our website resource continues to develop, take shape, and prepare for its debut, I need to find calm in the waiting. Patience. Stillness.
Sometimes, I get so excited over the newest development, I have to fight the temptation to just throw it up into cyberspace to share with everyone.
But, it's just not ready yet.
I have to wait.
We all have to wait.
The stakes are too high to rush it.
It needs to be perfected.
It will all be revealed....soon. When the Lord ordains it.
So, I was thinking about all of this as I watched my man setting up the tent out in the backyard for our son.
First, the material was layed out on top of the grass, the place it would be set up on.
The poles were put in.
This temporary home of a tent has no foundation. No cement, no structure.
Until the stakes are put in.
Plunged deep into the ground, each one pulls at the tent, stretching it, planting it into the ground.
The stakes are pushed in, all around the tent.
Each one getting a different angle.
We want our son to learn what it's like to sleep outside. To listen to the night noises, to feel the cool breezes after a long, hot day in the sun. We want him to experience that tingling fear of the unknown, so that he can harness it, and knowing if it becomes too much, he is close enough to home, he can retreat in his very safe, very familiar bedroom. We want him to enjoy his experience out in the "wildnerness" of exploration, but, we also want him to be safe. The stakes hold his temporary foundation firmly in place.
The time it is taking for our miscarriage website to be open and available is a stake, dug deep into the foundation of God's will. It is valuable, even though it seems so unworthy.
The different aspects of pregnancy loss we are learning are also stakes. We are gaining different angles to all sorts of pregnancy loss related issues.
I can't do this alone.
I can't do what needs to be done, I can't offer what needs to be given. I need your help.
This project needs your prayer.
It needs funding.
If you've miscarried, I need to learn from your experience, if you'd let me.
The stakes are high:
we want this miscarriage website to be all it needs to be.
So,
we plant the stakes low.
Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. -Ecclesiastes 4:12
