Whose Wife am I?

This post is in dedication to the many women who are married to members of our military.  Our "silent troops", these lovely, amazing women are on my heart, and I'd like to share my thoughts with you.

Being a military wife has to be tough.  This is how I see it:

Military families are common, but not normal. There's a big difference. You might sense his presence in your home and in your marriage, but not really. You might feel like a single mom, but not really.  These things are common, but not normal.  God doesn't want everybody to be in the kind of family unit that military simply calls families to be in.

I've seen military men marry right out of the gate because they were told it would be their only chance, that they may die in combat. So, they marry young, have kids young. They really do love their wives, but they didn't get to explore their options as freely as non-military men. "I love her....but is she REALLY the one? I don't have enough time to really decide, and....I can make it work..." They get in the military and start this double life, trying to honeymoon with the wife, and trying to stay alive in the military. As the military turns the man into a machine (which is needed for his own survival), when he is back home, he is disoriented, trying to figure out how to temporarily "shut off" the machine and figure out who he is as a man. He knows you're helping him by giving him the freedom to explore these things, and he needs that, but at the same time, it hurts him, too, because he doesn't want to be the husband who needs "time outs" while his wife provides for him. He's used to being in control, tough, and there he is, a lump on the couch, weak, confused, disoriented, listening to his wife hush the kids while he tries to quiet his mind. It's too much for some guys, and I've seen them divorce and start over, simply because they couldn't bear the pain of hurting their family any longer. And, even the "other women" of affairs--they usually know they are the other women. Yet, they think they are doing their own patriotic service, by releasing a man of tension, of being there to support him. The mistress usually not only knows about the wife, but even has sympathy for her--still, she's attracted to the guy, and attracted to her opportunity to help him and start a life with him. I hope I'm not freaking you out, or scaring you, I'm just hoping to give you a big picture of the mess that happens.

I don't have anything to say that can help with the marriage, only, that, maybe what I've said can open your mind for your own ideas (I really have none).

But, for you, the military wife, I hope I can offer something to encourage your spirit.

Instead of trying to fit your marriage into what other, non-military marriages are like (and what your heart YEARNS for in your marriage!!!), and feeling so let down by how disappointing it is that your marriage isn't there YET (it will be when he's done serving!), maybe try to cultivate a little of this thought:

I am married to Jesus. He is sitting at my bedside waiting for me to rise in the morning. He watches over my children when I cannot. He speaks love and tenderness into my heart. I can cry on His shoulder any time of the day. He loves me. He thinks I'm beautiful. He knows me more intimately than anyone else. He accepts me for who I am, and yet He also helps me grow.

My ministry is to be married in the physical realm to my man. The things I wish were different but know cannot be, these are merely the ministry tools God has layed before me, to witness to my children, my man, and other women. They are my cross, and I am blessed to be able to identify what my cross is. Now that I know what it is, I can rejoice that there are no more painful surprises (well, not as much). When my feelings get hurt about my marriage, it is then, right then, that God is watching over my ministry. He is asking me to speak into the hearts of others through these moments, as He speaks into mine.

My man serves a purpose in this family. His purpose is actually being fulfilled in our unique situation. God already knew that he'd be gone a lot, and chose children whose spirits need to grow through that lesson. I don't need to be a Martha and fill in what doesn't need to be filled in. God ordained this to be a part of their growth, so that they can learn up and from it. He also knew my heart, and knew that I'd want to help them, so now I will help more directly. He knew that I'd be an emotional mess, and that my cluttered home and chaotic life would reveal the mess in my heart. This is my lesson. He wants me to mend that. I will clean, not because my man is finally coming home or because there's company, but because it will help me grow as a Christian. Because my Jesus sees it, and He knows the clutter is a physical reminder of my hurting heart, and He doesn't want my heart to hurt. I will have victory, not because my man helps with a couple of things, but because Jesus helps with everything. I will teach my children of the very real, tangible, presence of Jesus in our home. The Jesus who I am really married to. The Jesus who helps me heal my marriage, not because my marriage is the paradise I'd like it to be, but because it's not. Because my hurting marriage reminds me that I have a ministry in it, and because my real paradise isn't conditional, it's not wavering, distant, frustrating, or lonely; it's eternal, and I will be welcomed into it after a job well done.

The Heart of a Soldier

Because today is National Day of Prayer, I'd like to share my prayer:

There was a man who served in the Vietnam War.  Later, he died, with a proper, military funeral.

In between those events, that man was my father.

He was abusive, violent, and dangerous.  He hated everybody.  H made me believe he hated me.  While I wanted his love, I wasn't so sure that I didn't hate him, too.

During my childhood, I was convinced that his hateful behavior destroyed my life.  I look back now, and realize that it very well could have, had it not been for God.

While Vietnam had a lot of unique qualities, and there was more involved with his mental health than his military background, I know that it definately played a part in the rest of his life.


The government works diligently to shape so many of our fellow countrymen-and women's minds into combat machines.  We know this, but the reality of it is very hard to grasp.  After all, they need to change their minds, for their own protection.  It is what saves their lives.  And, they know it's what they're in for, before they even enlist.  It's just, frankly, part of the job.

Lord, I am asking that while each of these brave men and women volunteer to have their minds altered, to better serve and protect our country, please, Lord, wrap Yourself around each of their hearts, that when their service is finished...even while they are serving...they can be reminded that you continually serve and protect them, that they are intrinsically valuable, that they not only serve in combat against national enemies, but that you continually serve in combat for them, against the evil force that longs to gain victory over their hearts.

Please continue to open even more ministries and counseling services that these soldiers can utilize without shame, where they can heal from their military experiences.  Please open our eyes to know that they are hurting.  Please allow us to learn how to serve them.

Please teach us to pray over our soldiers, that they can know that while their "head is in the game", their heart will remember the path back to humanity, and carry them there when it is time.

Allow us to find ways to pay tribute to those willing to endure so much so that we can endure so little.  Compassion and empathy are a small price to pay for the many services our military provide for us.

And, it can change the way a man perceives himself, his life, and his daughter.  It could change his eternal destiny.

Allow each of our military men and women to hold tight to this scriptural truth, that they will never get confused when they are using violence as a tool to bring peace:

He does not bear the sword in vain, for he is the servant of God.  -Romans 13:4