Whose Wife am I?

This post is in dedication to the many women who are married to members of our military.  Our "silent troops", these lovely, amazing women are on my heart, and I'd like to share my thoughts with you.

Being a military wife has to be tough.  This is how I see it:

Military families are common, but not normal. There's a big difference. You might sense his presence in your home and in your marriage, but not really. You might feel like a single mom, but not really.  These things are common, but not normal.  God doesn't want everybody to be in the kind of family unit that military simply calls families to be in.

I've seen military men marry right out of the gate because they were told it would be their only chance, that they may die in combat. So, they marry young, have kids young. They really do love their wives, but they didn't get to explore their options as freely as non-military men. "I love her....but is she REALLY the one? I don't have enough time to really decide, and....I can make it work..." They get in the military and start this double life, trying to honeymoon with the wife, and trying to stay alive in the military. As the military turns the man into a machine (which is needed for his own survival), when he is back home, he is disoriented, trying to figure out how to temporarily "shut off" the machine and figure out who he is as a man. He knows you're helping him by giving him the freedom to explore these things, and he needs that, but at the same time, it hurts him, too, because he doesn't want to be the husband who needs "time outs" while his wife provides for him. He's used to being in control, tough, and there he is, a lump on the couch, weak, confused, disoriented, listening to his wife hush the kids while he tries to quiet his mind. It's too much for some guys, and I've seen them divorce and start over, simply because they couldn't bear the pain of hurting their family any longer. And, even the "other women" of affairs--they usually know they are the other women. Yet, they think they are doing their own patriotic service, by releasing a man of tension, of being there to support him. The mistress usually not only knows about the wife, but even has sympathy for her--still, she's attracted to the guy, and attracted to her opportunity to help him and start a life with him. I hope I'm not freaking you out, or scaring you, I'm just hoping to give you a big picture of the mess that happens.

I don't have anything to say that can help with the marriage, only, that, maybe what I've said can open your mind for your own ideas (I really have none).

But, for you, the military wife, I hope I can offer something to encourage your spirit.

Instead of trying to fit your marriage into what other, non-military marriages are like (and what your heart YEARNS for in your marriage!!!), and feeling so let down by how disappointing it is that your marriage isn't there YET (it will be when he's done serving!), maybe try to cultivate a little of this thought:

I am married to Jesus. He is sitting at my bedside waiting for me to rise in the morning. He watches over my children when I cannot. He speaks love and tenderness into my heart. I can cry on His shoulder any time of the day. He loves me. He thinks I'm beautiful. He knows me more intimately than anyone else. He accepts me for who I am, and yet He also helps me grow.

My ministry is to be married in the physical realm to my man. The things I wish were different but know cannot be, these are merely the ministry tools God has layed before me, to witness to my children, my man, and other women. They are my cross, and I am blessed to be able to identify what my cross is. Now that I know what it is, I can rejoice that there are no more painful surprises (well, not as much). When my feelings get hurt about my marriage, it is then, right then, that God is watching over my ministry. He is asking me to speak into the hearts of others through these moments, as He speaks into mine.

My man serves a purpose in this family. His purpose is actually being fulfilled in our unique situation. God already knew that he'd be gone a lot, and chose children whose spirits need to grow through that lesson. I don't need to be a Martha and fill in what doesn't need to be filled in. God ordained this to be a part of their growth, so that they can learn up and from it. He also knew my heart, and knew that I'd want to help them, so now I will help more directly. He knew that I'd be an emotional mess, and that my cluttered home and chaotic life would reveal the mess in my heart. This is my lesson. He wants me to mend that. I will clean, not because my man is finally coming home or because there's company, but because it will help me grow as a Christian. Because my Jesus sees it, and He knows the clutter is a physical reminder of my hurting heart, and He doesn't want my heart to hurt. I will have victory, not because my man helps with a couple of things, but because Jesus helps with everything. I will teach my children of the very real, tangible, presence of Jesus in our home. The Jesus who I am really married to. The Jesus who helps me heal my marriage, not because my marriage is the paradise I'd like it to be, but because it's not. Because my hurting marriage reminds me that I have a ministry in it, and because my real paradise isn't conditional, it's not wavering, distant, frustrating, or lonely; it's eternal, and I will be welcomed into it after a job well done.